Checkout

Isn't it about time Sainsbury's introduced a check-out for the over 70s?  And whilst they're at it, one for men aged 16-30; another for mothers with children; divorced fathers; the terminally stupid.  The list is endless. In fact, I'm sure Sainsbury's could quite easily allocate all of its aisles to different demographics and then sub-divide these so that you might have "over-70s fast-track", "Polish immigrants15 items or less", "over-weight 40-somethings self-check out", "childless couples basket-only"...

I only raise this topic because yesterday, at one of the two staffed check-outs (out of about thirty or more) I happened to be queueing behind an 'older customer' who was well and truly taking her time with the whole check-out business. Nothing wrong with that; I'll be there soon enough myself.  But the girl on the till was talking to the woman in old lady idiom. "Not very nice out there today, is it?  Brrrrr, need to wrap up warm today.  You take care now."  I really wanted the old lady to turn around and say, "look, just because I'm getting on a bit, you don't have to address me as if I'm a f***ing vegetable."  But she didn't.  Instead she said, "No dear, it's not at all nice nice out there this morning." 

But it did get me thinking that maybe supermarkets could demarcate for age and demographic as well.  That would mean that all the young blokes buying beers, razors, packets of condoms and ready meals could whisk through the tills in a flash and be addressed by the check-out operator with an "Alright mate?" rather than "Hello, do you need any assistance with your packing?"  Similarly, mothers with children would be greeted with, "aaahh, isn't he/she beautiful?  How old is he/she?" whilst the terminally stupid would we encouraged to head for the checkout marked "Inane banter" and would be met with, "What did you think of Stacey on Big Brother last night?"  And whilst that might sound like exaggerated stereotyping on my part, it's certainly true that the checkout operator who served me yesterday didn't make any meteorological observations or suggest I put on an extra layer of clothing but just sped the items through to me.

A case of the runs

What do the retailers know that we don't know? Go into Sainsbury's right now and all the toilet rolls seem to be on offer at discounted prices. The first thing that greets you as you go through the doors at my local superstore is a massive pack of 18 Sainsbury's own brand toilet rolls for £6.50. So naturally, that was the first item in my trolley.

Not, mind you, that I am planning to suddenly adopt a high-fibre diet, or eat packets of prunes, or pop laxatives. But you know, I have three young children who spill drinks, spill food, wet themselves occasionally, have runny noses... Faced with any of those scenarios, thirty-odd-pence for a toilet roll doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Dumping Indian elephant courtesy of deviantart.